*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
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My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available