Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
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[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I used to be married, but I’m better now
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter