If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
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*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.