I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
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My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?