OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
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Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Tremendous stuff
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.