Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
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Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?