A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
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asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
📽️movie date🎞️
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap