In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
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“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.