I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.