“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
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My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Jupiter
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”