The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
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[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
🤣could you imagine
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby