ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
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Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
🤣🤣🤣