I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
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None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”