Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
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*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Travel bloggers during quarantine
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”