Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything