Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
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I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.