me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
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WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Mhm.
some Old Testament wisdom
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
WTF
This 4th of July, please remember…
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!