My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken