DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
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Classic German Shepherd 😂
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.