Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
You Might Also Like
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans