*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that