I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
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Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
need him
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
#Thanos #MondayMood
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.