Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
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They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
they should invent a hydrating liquor
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!