I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
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Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”