It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
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“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.