me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
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KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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