Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
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you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕