[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
You Might Also Like
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.