If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
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Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
hi why am I like this
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked