Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
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[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
bad news gang
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.