gm
You Might Also Like
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.