Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
The 6 types of sex
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.