Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
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Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.