I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
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Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.