Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
smartest karate player in the world
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.