Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames