me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
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Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Finally, an instrument I can play!