HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
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“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?