You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
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Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.