me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
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On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.