Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
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I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.