me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired