We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
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I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
The software development process
i can鈥檛 fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
馃憙馃徎: what are you wearing?
馃構: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
ME: What鈥檚 in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn鈥檛 wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn鈥檛 wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What鈥檚 in the bag?
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Who says great literature is dead?
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”