Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
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Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?