They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
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Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I think I’m having a stroke
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!