My favorite farside!!
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.