This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
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Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!