I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.