To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender