Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
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Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
*mops up wine with cat*
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Knock Knock
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.